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me, weezer, and the space time continuum [5/5]

December 5, 2014

[Part 1/5]

[Part 2/5]

[Part 3/5]

[Part 4/5]

[Part 5/5]


The Space Time Continuum

With the “Rivers doesn’t care” theory defeated, I was left searching again for answers to the great 21st Century question: what the expletive happened to weezer???  They used to be so good!  What kind of a sick, twisted, parallel universe do we live in where weezer’s now releasing stuff like…wait, that’s it!

Sometimes the most implausible explanation is the only one that makes any sense.

For my contribution to the ‘what happened to weezer’ conundrum, naturally, it all starts with Back to the Future II.

A quick summary of the complicated Back to the Future II plot:
– Marty & Doc travel from the year 1985 to the year 2015.
– While they were in the future, Grandpa Biff steals their time machine, takes a Sports almanac from 2015 to his teenage self in 1955. His whole journey unnoticed by Marty & Doc, Grandpa Biff returns the time machine to 2015.
– 1955 Teenage Biff eventually makes a fortune gambling (as with the almanac, he knows the outcomes of every major sporting event)
– When Marty & Doc return to 1985, it is an alternate, Hell-ish reality where Biff is a powerful figure and married to Marty’s mom
– Doc & Marty realize they have to return to 1955, intercept the Sports Almanac before Biff can start gambling, thus returning the passage of time to its proper path.

Far-fetched? Delightfully.

But this disruption of the space time continuum has become the only logical explanation for weezer’s bizarre descent in the 2000s & their brilliant, not to mention suspiciously non-linear, recovery in 2014.


What I suggest

Somewhere between 2002’s Maladroit and 2005’s Make Believe, a critical event occurred.

Whatever the event was, and I have no suggestions for what it might have been (because THAT would be crazy), it may have seemed innocuous at the time.

The repercussions of this event however, were severe, causing a tangent in the Space Time Continuum, creating an alternate, parallel reality where weezer was intermittently brilliant but mostly infuriating.

SOMEHOW (and as you can see, this theory has no holes whatsoever) this tangent in the Space Time Continuum was discovered by someone at some time after the disastrous Raditude/Hurley combo but before the release of Everything Will Be Alright in the End.

At which point this mystery someone hopped in a DeLorean, travelled back in time, stopped this seemingly insignificant event from happening somewhere between 2002-2005, thus returning weezer to their proper career trajectory and putting an end to this alternate reality with an inferior weezer.

It’s almost too easy.

How else could you explain Everything Will Be Alright in the End, a record that pays tribute to the band’s past glory while still moving forward in a positive direction that seemed unattainable until this year?


And in the end

Words cannot express how nice it is to love =w= again.

Will it last? Nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain (and mercifully, Movember moustaches) but I’ll enjoy this weezerenaissance for as long as it does.


From → Uncategorized

  1. Aww shit. This was brilliant Stephen. Thanks for writing this. Talk about an ending. I was wondering where the space-time continuum was through all this. Now I know! Hah.

    I never liked Back to the Future II, so I say this with ease — this series is better than Back to the Future II! Hah.

    Yeah, Weezer’s decline and semi return to form has been one of those boggling rock mysteries. I have always sensed self-doubt in Mr. Cuomo. His tendency to write entire albums only to discard the whole thing and start over, for example. On the other hand he’s been so prolific, with the odd dry spells. Maybe he was too prolific. Maybe where he released three albums, he could have put the best tunes on one amazing album.

    • Thanks Mike, the generous feedback is much appreciated! It was nice for me to try something more personal. I’d imagine you might feel the same way with the RST, it’s a different process when writing about yourself and your personal experiences (as opposed to a specific review of a given album).

      I’ll think I’ll be back to regular reviews for a bit but I enjoyed this autobiographical experience!

  2. jprobichaud permalink

    Of course! That has to be it! I can’t think of any explanation…

  3. It all makes sense. Mind. Blown.

  4. The tangent was caused by evil Daleks! In which case, it had to have been the Doctor and the TARDIS who put an end to the tangent. That’s my theory! 😉

  5. A splendid theory and indeed the only one that makes sense (well other than Evil Rivers. Also from the future. Like Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey – but that appears unlikely as Rivers never appeared evil. Just …, y’know. Mnah).

    Great bunch o’ posts, sir – really enjoyed. Importantly they’ve made me want to listen to post-Pinkerton Weezer.

    • Thanks J. – I appreciate the kind words! I had fun revisiting and more importantly, pleased that based on the quality of the new record, Evil Rivers no longer poses a threat to the band!

  6. Gotta love diagrams!

    • Why? Is it mandatory? Did they finally pass the Diagram Bill?

      • Diagram Bill sounds like the most boring children’s TV character ever!

      • And his associate, Eraser Head Bob.

      • I think the diagram bill may end up getting the presidential veto – thus robbing the world of a potential beloved, if dull, children’s TV hero!

      • Eraser Head Bob’s spinoff show is rumoured to be in the works of course

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. weezer: History Rewinding | 1001albumsin10years
  2. The Sugarcubes – Life’s Too Good (1988) | 1001albumsin10years

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